"Where are you going?" CRAZY, wanna come?!

I'm not sure what's wrong with my head, but I'm almost positive it's somehow related to my sons.

Yesterday, I was at Chick-Fil-A with Jessica when we met another woman. The woman walked away and Jessica said, "Wait, what was her name?"

Me: "Jessica. Her name was Jessica."

Her: "No, I would remember that."

Me: "OH WAIT! You're Jessica...then who the hell was she?"

*****

Today I got up all energized and organized. I started getting the boys ready because I have a dermatologist appointment and for the first time in my life for the first time in my life, didn't want to be late.

The boys were getting dressed, I was ironing clothes, an old friend who lives near the doctor was expecting us to show up for lunch, my forms were printed and filled out and even the old dermatologist was sending my records to the new one. All was going well, then Jessica called.

"Hey, do you want to take the boys to the pool?" she asked without remembering my BIG DAY. (Pffft.)

Me: "Nah, I've got to leave for the doctor in an hour."

Her: "Um, wasn't you appointment tomorrow?"

*silence*

Her: "Amy, are you there?"

*silence*

Me: "Yeah. So, what day is it?"

Her: "Today is Tuesday."

Me: "Shit."

*****

I guess the good news is that everything is ready to go for tomorrow!

The bad news is that I'm obviously loosing it...

Do me a favor? Make sure that someone plucks that one crazy eyebrow when you come to visit my padded room.

Where the hell are my bonbons?

In the past eighteen days, we've been at home a total of four of those. Four. Not only does that barely give one enough time to wash their underwear, it pretty much ensures your home will be a wreck. I managed to do 15 loads of laundry in those four days, but most of it is sitting on the couch.

I am not.

I am hiding in my chair, sitting atop tiny little boy pajamas. (But they are folded! Five points!)

To be quite honest, I am completely overwhelmed by the entire process of getting all the dog hair off every horizontal surface, wiping yet another sticky mystery mess off the floor, putting away 15 loads of folded clothes and making a bed that is completely trashed by two little boys who think I don't know they are eating STICKY WAFFLES on it. (Ignorance is bliss, yo.)

No one told me that THIS is what retirement was all about.

I think I got cheated.

Technorati Tags: House cleaning,Not the lifestyle I wish to become accustomed,Who fired the maid?

Vacationing with the Davis's...you're jealous.

Alright, before this place becomes one big sappy Hallmark, I'll get back to the rest of our vacation story...

*****

I realize I had left out one teensy little detail about the trip down. We stayed in a "clothing -optional community" visiting a close relative. By "clothing-optional", I mean, they choose the option of NOT wear anything.

Did I mention it's retirees?

No, there are no pictures. You're welcome.

I will share with you the two funniest quotes from that part of the trip though...

Deuce: "Momma! Dat man doesn't have on any pants!"

(Never mind the fact that NONE OF HIS FRIENDS DO EITHER.)

Bonus: "Momma, where do the policemen keep their guns?"

*****

Once we got to Bonita Springs, FL, we ended up staying at the Hyatt Regency Coconut somethingoranother. Basically, a fancy-pants hotel where the luggage carts come equipped with your very own bellboy and a minor scrape is reason to call in the EMS. I am not exaggerating about this people.

Dorkfish had some sort of safety conference where they go on and on about 'slips and trips in the dairy isle', according to dorkfish's  coworker, Bag Boy Bob. While Dorkfish and Bobby were busy learning about the urgency of the wet floor signs, I was busy being judged as the 'trophy wife' because my father had flown down to join us. The boys loved having granddaddy there and I spent the entire week trying to work the story of Dorkfish's conference and MY DAD visiting into random conversations.

Because I think my dad's handsome and all, but that's just weird.

The hotel was so ridiculously fancy-pants, they had a three-story water slide and a separate resort with 3 more pools and a lazy river. Oh, and did I mention the private island?! Geez... If it hadn't been for the beauty of it all and the fact that I enjoy a bit of pampering on occasion, I would have been embarrassed by the lavishness.

But being served this little beauty during an afternoon downpour made me feel a bit better about it all:

But did I mention the ice cream?

(Would you look at those lips?! Between those, his eyelashes and hair it's no wonder people call him a girl.)

I've officially instilled in my sons the belief that daddy may roughhouse more, but mommy is much more willing to fork out the cash she snuck out of daddy's wallet a couple of bucks for the ice cream. (Incidentally, this may or may not have anything to do with the fact that Bonus told Dorkfish, "Mudders day is WAY COOLER than Father's Day." Heehee.)

(This is a total 'suckup' face. Don't let him fool you.)

****

There was even a stop by Daytona Beach to round out our holiday.

Because one can't get enough redneck in their lives staying at a Hyatt.

By the way, did you know that Budweiser bikinis and cut-off jeans were BACK IN STYLE?! Thank you, Daytona Beach. I needed a little pick me up.

I couldn't love you more than this.

Five years ago you showed me a side to you that I had never expected. You stepped into your role as 'father' much like you had the role of 'husband' and 'best friend', with your entire heart and soul.

This family we have formed could not be any closer. We could not love each other any stronger and for that, I thank you. You have taught us how to love together, how to teach each other, support one another and mostly, you have taught us unconditional.

You wear many hats in this family; from protector:

(Safety First!)

To kisser of boo-boos:

To swim coach:

You enrich our lives in so many ways. We are more than blessed to have you.

Thank you for your patience with me and helping me to see the big picture.

But mostly, thank you for just being you.

We love you.

Happy (Belated) Father's Day!

Oh where, oh where has our Amo gone?

Oh where oh where can she be?

With her hair cut short and her mind long gone...

 

Right, where was I?

We're on vacation! Sure, it's not really a vacation, but more of a 'my husband is attending the annual DorkFish conference so we're hanging out in a hotel that is way too nice for the likes of this family'. But I will tell you all about the fancy-pants hotel with it's $10 per day internet fee and $4.50 piece of toast, a little later.

Should have married wealthier...I know.

*****

The trip started pretty crappy, I have to admit. The "Full Size" rental car was smaller than our two-door Mazda but it took three hours and about twenty phone calls before they put us in a disposable SUV. (Also known as a Kia; which I'm pretty sure stands for 'you've just been Kicked In the Ass'. )

(Just imagine the 'smaller Full Size' option...)

(Yes, those ARE diapers. No, we are NOT finished potty training. Yes, the pool WILL BE WARMER now thanks to Deuce. Shut up.)

This car might actually have the smallest engine ever... My sons actually flapped their arms at every stop light to try and get us to go faster.

(Deuce isn't a fan of the Kia either, but dammit, he's flapping.)

Bonus, isn't much of a sport when it comes to DorkFish's ideas. He chose to eat bugs.

(And give his daddy dirty looks when he insisted that if he kept hanging his head out the window, we'd get put in jail. Safety First, kids!)

*****

Dorkfish insisted that we 'stay cheap' on the first night since we'd be spending the entire next week in a HYATT. (Yes, friends, A HYATT!) He found a La Quinta online that had a corporate discount for his company and figured that it was just for one night while we were traveling, so how bad could it be?!

Let's just say that even Dorkfish was willing to leave after being there for less than 30 seconds. I convinced him that it would be fine since it was only one night...

I should have rethought that decision once I recognized the red flags. Let me list my top five reasons to leave a hotel immediately:

1. The "motel" which you thought was a "hotel" is situated conveniently in a Denny's parking lot.

2. Your door mat is glued to the concrete because even cheap doormats aren't safe in this neighborhood.

3. A car alarm goes off at 1 a.m. and continues to go off unnoticed until the battery runs out at 3:30 a.m.

4. You take your kids to the pool with the expectation that dammittohell SOMETHING has to be fun at this rat hole; only to find a middle-aged man wearing nothing but a g-string style banana hammock.

5. When you go back to the room to get a beer because there is no way you are spending the rest of your time at this motel sober, you find only styrofoam cups.

(This picture proves numbers one AND five.)

(I did not get a picture of number 4. You're welcome.)

*****

The following morning, we hit downtown Savannah and forced my sons to endure what was apparently sheer hell if you're five and three.

 

(Yes, it's a carriage ride and apparently, horses are "BORING" and "STINKY" and "STUPID".)

*****

But now we are in our fancy-pants hotel, swimming in our overly-heated kiddie pool, sliding down our bikini-eating slide and raising hell about every minute of it because we are 5 and 3 and that's what you do when you're tired.

But I'll fill you in on more of that after our naps.

Six inches lighter...and that has nothing to do with my hair color.

My entire life, my mother always insisted that I would look awesome with my hair cut short. She had a platinum bob all through high school and I figured it was just one of those 'living vicariously through her daughter' things and I just wasn't down with that.

When it came to my mom, I was always a rebel, yo.

After her death, I had a surprising urge to give the short hair a try. It wasn't one of those cut-all-your-hair-off-in-grief impulses; it was more of a 'maybe she was right about something for once'.

I walked into the salon yesterday and said, "Cut it off. All of it."

And she did.

By the way, taking a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror is much, much harder than one would think...

 

(Yes, I ate a light bulb. Hush.)

(Again with the flash. Sigh.)

(The "WhatYouTalkin'BoutFool"  or Mr.T picture.)

(Yeah, screw it. That's about as good as it's getting...)

But seriously, tell me you don't see the resemblance:

Okay, mom, I concede that once you may have been right.

But just this once.

Honestly, I really wish she could be here to see it...

Shut up, I have allergies.

Bonus's Music Review - Part One

Every since Bonus could speak, he's been very particular on what music he liked. Fortunately for me, it was never 'kiddie music'. He always despised singing about giants or trains. ThanktheLord.

We went through a Led Zeppelin trip where we had to hear Black Dog on repeat every single time we were in the car. Not to mention his famous comment at the wise old age of 3, "Momma, if it's too woud, you're too ode."

(And as soon as he heard me open that video he came out of the cheap seats yelling, "BLACK DOG! DATS BLACK DOG! TURN IT UUUUPPPP!")

(Also, I just have to say that Robert Plant made low-rise look so much better than the chicks that wear them now.)

(And...did he have to shave that, or what?! Holy hell.)

Then came the Widespread Panic period where it was "NUMBER NINE, MOMMA! PUT ON NUMBER NINE RIGHT NOW!"

I am now in the process of hiding the Cherry Poppin Daddies CD so I don't have to hear Zoot Suit Riot one more time because I WILL loose my damn mind if I have to hear it AGAIN.

(But I put it here in case you can.)

So last week when I received a package from the One2One Network ladies, I was pretty ecstatic. Obviously, we will listen to anything and probably already own the CD have a pretty eclectic taste in music.

Besides being an awesome CD from a new artist, it is actually something Bonus agrees to hearing.

In fact, he let me take out his Leftover Salmon CD to review Diane Birch! (This is a major accomplishment....)

The CD they sent was Diane Birch's new album Bible Belt. I have listened to it while I cooked dinner, cleaned the house and even drove to the airport to pick up a friend. I have to admit, it's got a good beat to it, a nice mix of tempos and her voice is amazing. It is kind of a cross between Norah Jones and an early Linda Ronstadt sprinkled with a little Joss Stone. Overall, a nice mix.

The songs have a calming affect and would probably be best listened to with a glass of cabernet and a good book. Although, I didn't mind the 5 o'clock traffic nearly as much while listening to the CD.

Just for kicks, I let Bonus review the CD with me. He did a play-by-play account for each track.

1. Fire Escape: "Kind of a girl song."

2. Valentino: "I wike it. Now can I listen to Robert Plant and Allison Krause again?"

3. Fools: "I wike number two better."

4. Nothing But A Miracle: "I wanted to hear number two."

5. Rewind: "I still want to hear number two."

6. Rise Up: "If you don't turn on either number two or Robert Plant, I'm outta here."

7. Photograph: "Bonus, what do you think of this one? Bonus? Bonus?!"

I guess if you take the opinion of someone who prefers swing, you might not like it.

But I thoroughly enjoyed it.

 

*No, this is not a review blog and I did not receive any compensation for this review. However, if anyone would like to send me money to look over their stuff, like maybe some brownies, coffee or a new vacuum, we'll talk. ;)