Oh where oh where can she be?
With her hair cut short and her mind long gone...
Right, where was I?
We're on vacation! Sure, it's not really a vacation, but more of a 'my husband is attending the annual DorkFish conference so we're hanging out in a hotel that is way too nice for the likes of this family'. But I will tell you all about the fancy-pants hotel with it's $10 per day internet fee and $4.50 piece of toast, a little later.
Should have married wealthier...I know.
The trip started pretty crappy, I have to admit. The "Full Size" rental car was smaller than our two-door Mazda but it took three hours and about twenty phone calls before they put us in a disposable SUV. (Also known as a Kia; which I'm pretty sure stands for 'you've just been Kicked In the Ass'. )
(Just imagine the 'smaller Full Size' option...)
(Yes, those ARE diapers. No, we are NOT finished potty training. Yes, the pool WILL BE WARMER now thanks to Deuce. Shut up.)
This car might actually have the smallest engine ever... My sons actually flapped their arms at every stop light to try and get us to go faster.
(Deuce isn't a fan of the Kia either, but dammit, he's flapping.)
Bonus, isn't much of a sport when it comes to DorkFish's ideas. He chose to eat bugs.
(And give his daddy dirty looks when he insisted that if he kept hanging his head out the window, we'd get put in jail. Safety First, kids!)
Dorkfish insisted that we 'stay cheap' on the first night since we'd be spending the entire next week in a HYATT. (Yes, friends, A HYATT!) He found a La Quinta online that had a corporate discount for his company and figured that it was just for one night while we were traveling, so how bad could it be?!
Let's just say that even Dorkfish was willing to leave after being there for less than 30 seconds. I convinced him that it would be fine since it was only one night...
I should have rethought that decision once I recognized the red flags. Let me list my top five reasons to leave a hotel immediately:
1. The "motel" which you thought was a "hotel" is situated conveniently in a Denny's parking lot.
2. Your door mat is glued to the concrete because even cheap doormats aren't safe in this neighborhood.
3. A car alarm goes off at 1 a.m. and continues to go off unnoticed until the battery runs out at 3:30 a.m.
4. You take your kids to the pool with the expectation that dammittohell SOMETHING has to be fun at this rat hole; only to find a middle-aged man wearing nothing but a g-string style banana hammock.
5. When you go back to the room to get a beer because there is no way you are spending the rest of your time at this motel sober, you find only styrofoam cups.
(This picture proves numbers one AND five.)
(I did not get a picture of number 4. You're welcome.)
The following morning, we hit downtown Savannah and forced my sons to endure what was apparently sheer hell if you're five and three.
(Yes, it's a carriage ride and apparently, horses are "BORING" and "STINKY" and "STUPID".)
But now we are in our fancy-pants hotel, swimming in our overly-heated kiddie pool, sliding down our bikini-eating slide and raising hell about every minute of it because we are 5 and 3 and that's what you do when you're tired.
But I'll fill you in on more of that after our naps.