Friday, September 16, 2011

I'm Registering at Whole Foods

So, I warned you guys that Mams was in town, so now y'all are expecting some hilarious posts full of Mamsisms...

Today ain't that day.

But she is involved...

On Monday, Mams decided she wanted to go to our favorite little Mexican restaurant. Never needing my arm twisted for fat, salt and beer (the three most important food groups), I happily abliged. (Please note that the information inside the parenthesis is foreshadowing...) Since the kids were all in school for only ONE MORE DAY until trackout, we were able to talk Sheshe into coming along. As always, we had a ton of chips, I may have licked the cheese dip bowl clean, mams and I each had a beer and I managed to polish off a burrito the size of my head. It was glorious.

As we were paying, the owner, who knows us well (but not THAT well - foreshadowing again), grabbed my wrist and said, "Can I ask jew a personal question?" While it was unexpected, I am a very open person and knowing she is from South America, I know she is very upfront with her conversations so I said sure. Smiling like a cheshire cat she said, "Are jew pregnant?"


{Holding back the desire to scream ROACH and point to the corner or just pop her in the mouth.}

All I could think was, "I really wish I was right now so I wouldn't have to hate you for this" but all I could squeak out was a tiny "no" as I fought back the unexpected tears.

Expecting to see a look of mortification, but only finding mild surprise was a bit disheartening. But the real crusher was when she reached over, patted my 'hello-I've-had-two-children' tummy and said, "I've just never seen jew wif a pooch dis big before."

Yes. She. Did.

I turned to Sheshe in support, but all she could manage was a small whimper as she chewed off her bottom lip. I turned to Mams who was snickering. I finally gave up, shrugged my shoulders and admitted that I had gained FIVE POUNDS recently, but THANKYOUVERYMUCHFORPOINTINGITOUT.

Now, one would assume that the horror would end here. But.No. She proceeded to tell me her personal diet techniques and then lift her shirt to show me her 'I've-had-five-kids-and-three-mules-living-in-here' tummy. Yes.She.Did.

I believe this was the moment Sheshe sprinted for the door and I shuffled out behind her. (Cause you know, us pregnant women can't sprint so good. Not to mention, I was dragging my pride behind me.)Mams chose to stay behind and tell the woman her own horror stories of her saggy boobs and large rear end.

The entire drive home was Mams telling me that she too had wondered if I was pregnant while Sheshe hid her tears of laughter behind her oversized Jackie-O sunglasses.

It was a glorious day.