Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Five Lessons from Week One

Week ONE of vacation:

1. Humidifiers are not toys.

a. Humidifiers can catch on fire for unexplained reasons.

b. If the flames coming out of the humidifier don't burn you, the steam will.

c. Please don't act surprised when mommy is upset because she had to run naked through the house to the sound of "MOMMY! THE HUMIDIFIER IS ON FIIIIIIRRRRREEE" and she arrived scared and angry. She was angry because she was scared. The fact that she had to make that 'do I believe him and leave the bathroom with no clothes on' decision was also part of the angry.

2. Smores can be made in the microwave.

a. The directions should be followed closely. There is a HUGE difference between 15 seconds and 30 seconds. (That HUGE difference translates into saucer-sized marshmallows and chocolate oozing everywhere.)

b. The oozy chocolate and exploding marshmallow are quite hot. Not nearly as hot as the flaming humidifier, though.

c. One should really save smores for the campfire so the flying, burning marshmallow can be enjoyed in the safety of the woods.

3. When mom says, "JUST GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES OF PEACE FORTHELOVEOFGODANDALLTHATISHOLY!" She doesn't mean "Please come ask me when I am fixing breakfast/snack/lunch/snack/dinner/snack/dessert" or "helping you find underwear". Mommy's vacation doesn't start until you go back to school. If you keep bugging mommy she will continue to find unpleasant chores for you to do.

a. Cleaning your room is not an unpleasant chore. You made it; you clean it. This rule applies as soon as you are no longer in diapers.

4. When you are asked to clean the toilet, do not tell mommy you will after breakfast/snack/lunch/snack/dinner/snack/dessert. (See example 3.)

a. Yes, you are correct in your assumption that cleaning the toilet is your unpleasant chore. No, you are not allowed to complain any longer.

b. If you continue to complain, there will be more unpleasant chores ahead. The marshmallow explosion in the microwave is looming, after all.

5. Spending the entire day in your pajamas is perfectly acceptable on vacation.

a. However, when your mom is stopped in the yard by the neighbor and she says, "Oh, please excuse my outfit. We are cleaning today/washing clothes today/bathing dogs today", do not throw her under the bus by saying, "But you said we didn't have to dress since we weren't going anywhere!" She will find another unpleasant chore. I promise.