Saturday, February 13, 2010

She likes the booooys in the baaaand....

Straight out of The Never-Ending Vacation, my grandmother is here for yet ANOTHER week. This weekend it snowed for the third weekend in a row in a city that rarely sees any of the white stuff. Not only is she insisting that she will never return in any cold season, she's pretty convinced that this might be a sign of the apocalypse. (And she says she's being punished for some bad deeds of which she will not speak.)

However, in the car today, she asked to hear the song I had played yesterday, "Super Freak" by Rick James. Her favorite line is "The kind of girl you don't take home to mother". Not only does she sing the chorus, she giggles at the same time...


I'm starting to see a connection here; maybe she IS being punished.

Either way, she's my all-time favorite.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

It's all about the magic.

Two days ago, I woke up with an incredible soreness in my gums, behind all my teeth. After consulting Dr. Dorkfish who diagnosed it as eating soup that was too hot the night before, I inspected them in the bathroom mirror. Just a little redness, nothing serious.

The next day, they're worse.

And there were red and white patches.

And I started feeling achy.

(Just to clarify, I've never even had so much as a canker sore in my mouth so this new revelation took me back to a conversation with a friend my freshman year in college which involved a "what does this look like to you" discussion. Poor, dumb, girl....ahem.)

So I call Dorkfish home from work and make him take me and our three year old to the doctor. Deuce had been complaining of an ear ache for three days now, so I figured we'd make it an all-skate.

The doctor looked all inside my mouth and asked me if it hurt to pee.


Seriously, did it hurt to pee?! Listen here, Jackass, if it was THAT, I wouldn't be sitting here with my husband AND kid nowwouldI?!

He decided it was a mystery virus. Nothing they can do for it, but come back in five days if it's not better. (Google could have done that for me and the co pay would have been much more reasonable.)

So he sends me home with a prescription for a numbing mouthwash called, "Magic Mouthwash"....

The directions on the bottle say, "Swish and Spit".....

I'm now wondering how much that little bottle would go for on the local college campus?

By the way, Mams keeps calling it "Trench Mouth" which is not at all helping the pain....

Thursday, February 4, 2010

There's a short line between 'smart' and 'dumb'.

Thanks to the Great Snow Storm of 2010, mams has stayed an extra week with us. She wasn't exactly pleased with this plan, but never the less, she's here. This weekend, they are predicting MORE SNOW! FREEZING RAIN! AND ICE! To an 84-year-old woman this is like a run in her favorite panty-hose on the way to church... completely unacceptable and a true sin.

Today, I fully planned to rush her home and come back tomorrow in an attempt to please her (so there would be a little hope of her returning at some point) and to beat the bad weather home. After all, the only way I'm getting trapped in a snow storm is if Jim Cantore is keeping me warm...heh.


So, she broke down and decided to stay another week with us. As a thank you, I drove her back to the mall (for the second day in a row) to purchase a skirt she had seen on clearance yesterday. F0r those of you who don't know me well, a pointless trip to the mall is about as close to torture as I can imagine. However, when your grandmother offers to stay, you'd drive her to the moon to keep her happy. (But I may have considered leaving her when she criticized the size of my rear in a pair of jeans.)

When we got back, she began feverishly cleaning the house in an attempt to get it all 'tidied up before Dorkfish gets home' because apparently, 'a man likes his home neat and clean when he gets home'...

*blink, blink*

Yeah, there might be a little bit of a generational gap there...

But I will hand it to her, the place is pretty spotless. Although when I called her a smartass for making fun of my lack of cleaning abilities, she said, "If I was a smartass, I'd be sitting in there watching TV. It looks like I'm a dumbass to me."


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

There's just no pleasing some people...

In only the second time since I've lived here in North Carolina, we got a decent-sized snow storm. It wasn't quite the snopocolypse that everyone on twitter was forecasting, but the inch of ice made the seven inches of snow a bit more treacherous.

I was pretty excited as this forced my grandmother to stay another week. She, on the other hand, was none too pleased to be stuck here. Despite my attempts to make her stay as comfortable as possible, she's already hitting up my friends of a ride back to Tennessee. I'm kind of at a loss as to how to please her... We moved the TV into her room (along with the children that watch it), I've only let her cook meals that she's insisted upon making, (yes, she DID insist. It's the sink that she's chained to, not the stove), she's called all her old friends who she can't call from home since it's long distance from her house and she's even had time to work on her medical degree, (she's diagnosed my oldest son with ADD and my dog with diabetes.)

Overall, I would have assumed it was a great trip! That was until we had this morning's conversation as she was unloading the dishwasher and I was sipping my coffee:

Mams: "There must be a reason I'm stuck here because I've been praying for the Lord to find me a way out of here for days now and he's just not doing it."

Me: "You're praying to go home?! Is it really that bad here?"

Mams: "Well, it's one of the things I pray for. You know, world peace and do get back to Knoxville."