Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Can You Spare a Square?...

Last week, Dorkfish went grocery shopping. This isn't an 'out of the ordinary' thing for him, but he totally screwed it up this time...

As with most husbands, if he can't readily find the specified item on the list, he attempts to convince me that the store no longer carries it. Example: "Hey, where are the chocolate chips for my cookies?" Him: "Yeah, they don't have any." Me: "Reeeeaaallllly....the store stopped carrying chocolate chips. Every.Single.Brand?..." Him: "Yep."

So when I send him with a list, I just assume this is going to be the case. #pickyourbattles

But this time was different. This one was the NO!WAY! WHATISWRONGWITHYOU?! trip.

He came home with John Wayne toilet paper.

Yes, ladies, the kind only John Wayne could appreciate.

It was the cheapest brand, single-ply, could-read-the-newspaper-through-it type of toilet paper....


After the lecture on how we are Charmin people and NOTHING compares to Charmin and we have ALWAYS USED CHARMIN HOW IN THE WORLD HAVE YOU MISSED THIS IN TEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE?! I stopped. Because he had that deer-in-the-headlights look where you know he stopped listening at 'WHATTHEHELL'...

Fast forward a week. Bonus is out of toilet paper in his bathroom so he goes to my closet to get some. I am standing in the kitchen, drinking coffee and Deuce is sitting at the bar eating breakfast.

Bonus: (holding THE bag of cheap toilet paper in the air) "What is THIS?!"

Me: "Yeah, your dad bought John Wayne paper."

Bonus: (completely offended) "But we ALWAYS use the kind with the bear on it!!! He knows that!!!"

Me: "I know, I know. You're preaching to the choir here, buddy."

Bonus: "But MOOOOOOM, they use this same stuff in school and I HATE IT!"

Deuce: (from out of the cheap seats yells) "And THAT is EXACTLY why I DON'T WIPE!!!"

Bonus and I just looked at each other in shock. Deuce cocks one eyebrow and gives us the "What?!" look and starts eating again. Bonus gives me the 'you suck at your job' look, drops the bag of toilet paper, sighs and walks out...

THIS is the kind of thing that happens when you buy cheap toilet paper, people.

Remember, there are THREE THINGS IN LIFE you don't want a discount on:

1. Toilet Paper
2. Tequila
3. Tattoos

This has been your public service announcement for the week.