Sunday, March 4, 2012

Gym Anomalies

I have some hilarious gym-based stories to tell you, but first I have to explain what the hell I am doing in a gym...

A few months ago, I decided to finally buck up on my 'getting healthy' plan. I had been lamenting for months to mycowherdingcousinRachael about my weight and how I just needed to find the motivation. She used to do figure competitions and had been giving me pointers on ways to shape up and get healthy, but I had found an excuse for each and every one. You see, I had gotten to the point where my tummy flab, muffin top and cottage-cheese thighs were just another thing to complain about. As we all tend to do with things we do not want to face, I was finding ways to blame it on others, "I gained too much weight with my pregnancies." and "A muffin top is a mom's forever treat!" or "Cellulite is God's way of saying we need more texture in our lives." I was using humor to hide the pain that was my weight gain. Now mind you, I am not severely overweight; I just wasn't happy and knew I was being lazy about it.

The epiphany moment came when Mycowherdingcousin and I were trying on clothes in her favorite store and I said, "Dude. You have GOT to help me lose this weight!" She paused and said, "I would, but I don't know how to motivate you." This struck a chord with me. Not only was I looking for a quick fix, I was being negative when she gave me suggestions. I vowed right there in that dressing room that I was no longer going to make excuses for my body. I was going to either put up or shut up.

That night, I changed my eating habits and found my motivation.

Dorkfish listened to my constant whining occasional suggestions and bought me a fitbit. I named him Sven. In addition to being cute, he holds me accountable for all my activity for the day. He tracks my distance in steps and miles, the number of stairs I've climbed and estimates my calories burned. He is a great little tool for pushing me on the days I don't feel like being pushed! Not to mention, he sends me little messages like "WALK ME AMO" or "VAMOS AMO" and even the occasional "LOVE YA AMO". He is a cutie.

But we all know that in order to lose weight and get healthy, you have to make sure your fuel is good for you too, so I started eating clean. I don't look at this a diet, but rather a 'lifestyle change'. I am not going to get into all the details of it, because honestly no one really cares, but I can tell you that I have seen a HUGE difference in how I feel, my complexion and even my sons' moods. So, there is definitely something to it, in my opinion.

So, to get to the funny part of the story...

I have finally found my way back into the gym. Apparently, paying atonofmoney for a year on a building I never enter, has finally gotten on my nerves. Let me tell you, once you start going on a regular basis, a few things happen:

1. You start to miss it when you don't go and feel bad about yourself.

2. You learn the peak and low times of the gym and when that annoying guy is there.

3. You get better at remembering things. (Like not forgetting your ipod after the time the same old dude insisted on talking to you through your entire workout.)

4. You figure out that if you forget your ipod, the old ear phones in your glove box will be a good deterrent as long as the cord doesn't fall out of your sports bra letting everyone know you don't really have it plugged in.

5. You learn to not get caught staring at people who grunt funny when the lift. The males think you are interested and the females think you are gay.

6. You realize that before and after the water aerobics class is the THEWORST time to go in the locker rooms. Those little old ladies have no shame in their game and aren't scared to let it all flop out, letmetellyou.


On Friday, I went a little later than I usually do and came across a new species at the gym. Weight-Dropping RoidRage guy. This guy is lifting what I can only describe as a bar with plates the size of the rental car they give you when you think 'mid-size' is the Buick your grandmother used to drive but realize it would actually fit in your hall closet and you have four people, a dog and sixteen suitcases to fit in it. IE: A smart car.

Every time RoidRage guy finishes a lift, he drops his weights. Fromkneeheight. Not only does it jar the concrete, but it clangs so loudly that I can hear it over the crappy music Dorkfish put on my ipod that I don't know how to change. (Seriously, Sade?! Who can get motivated listening to that?!) Each time he drops his weights with an audible "UGH", I turn to see who else is offended by this douchecanoe. I get a visual on an eye roll from the old lady on the stationary bike and a shrug from a guy who is twice the size of RoidRage. At my old gym, this sort of behavior was prohibited. If you dropped weights on purpose, you were asked to leave. Realizing that this obviously isn't the policy here, I rehearsed the conversation in my head with the intent of handling this. My speech was going to be, "Um, excuse me. If you have to drop the weights with each rep, MAYBE they are too heavy for you. If you need me to spot you, I will be right over here, NOTDROPPINGWEIGHTS." I removed my headphones twice with the intent of speaking to him when something crossed my mind. If this guy is on steroids, which anyone the size of him would about have to be, then there's a good change he could snap. Considering I am working my legs today, there is nowayinhell I would be able to outrun him... So survival skills kicked in and I vowed to get some Metallica for my ipod.

Suddenly, the hound dogs in shower caps wandering around the locker room after the water aerobics class don't seem so intimidating.