Saturday, January 29, 2011

It's My Fault for Getting a Degree in Journalism...

Me: "So, Bonus, how did you do on your spelling test?"

Bonus: "I did great! Got them ALL RIGHT!" *insert cheesy, fake smile*

Me: "Oh, yeah? How do you spell 'four'?"

Bonus: "F-O-W-R."

Me: "Um, no."

Bonus: "F-W-O-R?"

Me: "Um....again, no."

Bonus: "Yeah, I probably missed that one."

Monday, January 17, 2011

Just in Case You Test Positive

Being stuck at home with mono has given me the opportunity to catch up on some things that I have been wanting to get around to for some time now. In one sense, this has been good, as I have been able to accomplish much more from a 'resting state' than one would assume. So I figured that some of you, who I may or may not have infected, would enjoy a list. You're welcome. Oh, and SORRY, in advance if you're sick. I can bring a box of hamburger helper or something...

Things One Can Do With Mono:

~ Finally finish ONE book that your neighborhood book club was reading.

~ Pretend you aren't the turd in the punch bowl when you attend said book club and everyone looks at you like you're Typhoid Mary.

~ Catch up on your blog that you have sorely neglected in the past few weeks months.

~ Finally start editing photos and putting them on your flickr page.

~ Beg your friend to set up your photography website before you die. (This one is still in the works...RIGHT, MY BEESH?!) ahem.

~ Stalk people you used to know on facebook and then decide to not friend them since they made fun of you in high school. (Quite empowering really...)

~ Come to the startling realization that a seven year old can go through a hormonal spike that is worse than ANY teenage girl.

~ Find that you no longer care about your swollen spleen and liver since the wine helps you care less about the screaming seven year old.

~ Realize that your ten-year-old hound dog truly CAN and DOES sleep anywhere and constantly. Ironically, she would do much better with mono than the rest of us.

~ Ponder the great mysteries of life, such as 'Why people "like" their own comments on facebook' and 'Why does my presumed intelligent four year old run, screaming, through the house with a busted soda can spraying everywhere'...

Friday, January 14, 2011

Another Deuce Short

Since it's Friday, I decided to make some peanut butter blossom cookies. (No, Friday has nothing to do with it, but it seems wrong to make cookies for no reason; so there.) Deuce loves helping out in the kitchen, even with his obvious aversion for food, so I was letting him and My Beesh unwrap the kisses.

My Beesh lines up the kisses and asks, "Hey, Deuce, what is this?"

Deuce takes a long, hard look at the design and says, "I dunno."

My Beesh, in an attempt to stir his memory starts pointing to individual kisses and saying, "Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid... Any idea buddy?"

Deuce's face lights up and he yells, "STATES!"


Thursday, January 13, 2011

Last night, we took the boys out to get some pizza. I don't believe I've ever mentioned it on here before, but Deuce is quite possibly the PICKIEST eater in. the. world. Despite my begging, pleading, threats and punishments, he won't even try a single bite of any food that he deems 'icky'. The term 'icky' appears to apply to just about any food, lately. Peanut butter is too 'icky' because of the stickiness, noodles are too 'icky' because they squiggle, etc. Cheese, however, is okay as long as he can't see it peeking through the pieces of bread. This is a very important detail in the Life of Deuce. I have now resorted to making grilled cheese sandwiches and ensuring the cheese is pushed in fully between the bread to make certain there is no visual stringiness...

Laugh if you must, but once you find something that works you go with it. To be honest, I'm a bit proud of some of my recent endeavors. For example, I finally found a way to get him to eat cheese sticks! Granted, it involves me 'sandwiching' together individual cheese sticks and cutting them into little 'cheese stick sandwich bites' and hoping he didn't see any of it...


But last night, when I served his cheese stick bites, cut into one-inch squares thankyouverymuch, he looked down with disdain and said, "Um, I think I asked for triangles...ugh."

That's the point where your head explodes and you find yourself speaking in tongues, just for those of you out there without kids...

I believe that, through gritted teeth, I explained that this was all he was getting and I didn't give a flying kitten if he ate it or not.

Two minutes later:

Deuce stood up, holding his fork in the air with a 'one-inch square cheese sandwich bite' pierced on the end and exclaimed, "THERE'S SOMETHING GROSS IN MY FOOOOOOD!!!!"

At that point, the entire restaurant came to a hush.

I leaned over to inspect the carnage and there, sticking through the cheese I had so carefully hidden was the offending object. I put my head in my hands and mumbled through my fingers, "Deuce, that is the tine of your fork."

He sat back down and said to the table, "WHEW! It's okay everybody. It was just my fork. You can keep eating."

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Go Forth and Read

Guess what? I posted for the THIRD! DAY! IN! A! ROW!

Yes, the sky is falling.

But more importantly, this one ISN'T about mono or Dorkfish trying to kill me.

My dear friend, Jenny, asked me to do a guest post on her blog called Great Little Stories. I was flattered since my stories are neither great nor little...but I guess she ran out of bloggers or something.

So Go! Read! and while you're there, look around a bit and if you're in the mood, give me a little comment love so she doesn't think I completely messed up her blog...

Click HERE to read it.

Thanks guys!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Tada! Mother's Intuition and All That...

Soooo....Bonus' doctor called today. (You know that's never good.) He said his test results came back and guess what?!

Yeah, mono.


Not that I was surprised or anything. In fact, that's the whole reason I INSISTED that they do the blood work even though he said he didn't have the 'classic symptoms' and was only doing it because I insisted.

But I guess I'm a bad mom for making my kid go through that when just sat there and watched them stick him. The kid never even flinched! That's a high pain tolerance, friends. (Or the makings of a serial killer...) Either way, I was impressed.

So now we are on Deuce Watch 2011. He has no symptoms so far but it is honestly just a matter of time. The incubation period is 4-6 weeks and we were all sharing food and drinks back then. But I guess the bright side is that they won't ever get it again!

Well, that and when their friends get sick with it in high school I can say, "Oh honey, you don't have to worry about getting 'The Kissing Disease'. You got it from your mom."


Monday, January 10, 2011

An Epiphany for a Sucker

It's taken four and a half years, but I think I've finally found a useful purpose for Deuce.

Yes, he is awesome at comedic relief. Just this morning he said, "Momma, I don't want to go to school anymore. I already know everything." When I asked exactly what he meant he said, "If you put a bottle of ketchup in water, it floats. See? Everything. I got it."

How can one argue with that logic?

He's also been offering me money for letting him have candy. How many of YOUR kids offer you bribes for treats? Hmmmm? I didn't think so.

But actually, that is just what keeps me from LOOSING IT when he gives me attitude. I think his useful purpose may be taking care of Bonus the Bitch.

You see, it would appear that my mono has now spread to Bonus. While I can honestly tell you that the kid is sicker than he has ever been in his entire life, in complete disclosure I have to admit that he is also being more hateful that I ever thought possible for a seven year old. It would appear that he realizes the gravity of his illness and my feeble state (both in a physical and psychological sense) and has chosen to be nice to only me. I can only assume that this means he has a good sense of survival.

Every time Deuce walks in the room, he comes to check on Bonus. "Can I do anything for you, Bonus?" he asks with the sweetest voice; petting Bonus on the head. Bonus' response is sadly always the same, "NO. Go Away. Stop. Touching. Me." I never knew kids snarled either... Weird. Anyway, the constant drone of "My finger hurts BAAAAAD/my knee won't MOOOOOOVE/my big toe is falling OFFFFF" has kind of taken it's toll on my compassion. Don't get me wrong, he's sick. I am doing everything in my power to keep his fever down, keep him hydrated and comfortable but at the end of the day, I am sick too and it's wearing on me.

In ultimate desperation, I believe we may have just had a break through. While having a moment to myself and catching up on some blog reading, Bonus started his pleas for anything he can fathom. When I didn't jump up to get the thermometer SINCE I CHECKED HIS TEMPERATURE TWO MINUTES AGO, Deuce came to the rescue. Then, Deuce brought him more water. Then, Deuce offered to get him another pillow.

That's when the epiphany occurred. Maybe, just maybe, if I hide in the office long enough, Bonus will give in and let Deuce help him. Maybe this will be the turning point in their relationship. Maybe Bonus will finally realize just how much Deuce loves him and wants to help him...

Maybe that scream resonating from the living room is saying otherwise...


Saturday, January 1, 2011

Just Bring Krispie Treats to the Funeral

I have spent the last NINE days in a supine position with the silly assumption that 'I can't possibly feel any worse.' Amazingly, it is possible to feel immensely worse every time you wake up... (I have to say, Mr. Mononucleosis is a bastard. Yes, I did give him a proper name as I feel confident that he is not one to upset.) On the rare occasion I feel as if I can tackle some simple task such as a shower, I get smacked in the face with a big ole healthy dose of 'respect for the virus'.

This has, naturally, put Dorkfish in a difficult position. Not only does he have to deal with my whining, he is apparently the one who brought this hot mess home. Yes, as I predicted in my 'he's trying to kill me' post, our physician confirmed that he did indeed have the virus first and is now on the backside of it. Ironically, he wasn't NEARLY as sick as I have been with it.

Which obviously means that he is trying to kill me.

I have to admit, he has been quite patient with my 'can you get me' pleas. Well, until tonight. I decided that only a rice krispie treat would make me feel better at this moment, so I asked him to make them. He was washing the dishes and said, "Well, I'm busy cleaning the kitchen now. SIGH."
So I waited.

Five minutes later: "How about now? Can you make me some treats now? I'm sick you know."

Him: "Yeah, I noticed. I will get them in a minute."

Me: "Do we have rice krispies? Marshmallows?"

Him (through gritted teeth): "Yes. SIGH. We have all that. But I am a little busy right now...."

Me: "Oh, so maybe you could make them in a minute then? I mean, you're gonna have to wash the pot and all anyway..."

Him: *blink, blink* (slight twitch)

"Oh LOOK! We're out of BUTTER!!! Sorry, honey."

So I texted my neighbor, Cameron: "Can I borrow a stick of butter? Dorkfish is using our lack of it as his excuse for not making me rice krispie treats...I'm rethinking his nursing abilities."

In under thirty seconds, Cameron was at my door. Dorkfish opened the door, looked at the butter and glared at me.

Grinning from my deathbed the couch, I said, "Now where are my krispies, beesh?!"

Feeling pretty smug, I enjoyed about half the pan. Sadly, the joke was on me when Bonus ATE. THE. LAST. ONE.

Obviously, that one is in on the 'get a new mommy' plan...