I'm Registering at Whole Foods

So, I warned you guys that Mams was in town, so now y'all are expecting some hilarious posts full of Mamsisms...

Today ain't that day.

But she is involved...

On Monday, Mams decided she wanted to go to our favorite little Mexican restaurant. Never needing my arm twisted for fat, salt and beer (the three most important food groups), I happily abliged. (Please note that the information inside the parenthesis is foreshadowing...) Since the kids were all in school for only ONE MORE DAY until trackout, we were able to talk Sheshe into coming along. As always, we had a ton of chips, I may have licked the cheese dip bowl clean, mams and I each had a beer and I managed to polish off a burrito the size of my head. It was glorious.

As we were paying, the owner, who knows us well (but not THAT well - foreshadowing again), grabbed my wrist and said, "Can I ask jew a personal question?" While it was unexpected, I am a very open person and knowing she is from South America, I know she is very upfront with her conversations so I said sure. Smiling like a cheshire cat she said, "Are jew pregnant?"

*blink*

{Holding back the desire to scream ROACH and point to the corner or just pop her in the mouth.}

All I could think was, "I really wish I was right now so I wouldn't have to hate you for this" but all I could squeak out was a tiny "no" as I fought back the unexpected tears.

Expecting to see a look of mortification, but only finding mild surprise was a bit disheartening. But the real crusher was when she reached over, patted my 'hello-I've-had-two-children' tummy and said, "I've just never seen jew wif a pooch dis big before."

Yes. She. Did.

I turned to Sheshe in support, but all she could manage was a small whimper as she chewed off her bottom lip. I turned to Mams who was snickering. I finally gave up, shrugged my shoulders and admitted that I had gained FIVE POUNDS recently, but THANKYOUVERYMUCHFORPOINTINGITOUT.

Now, one would assume that the horror would end here. But.No. She proceeded to tell me her personal diet techniques and then lift her shirt to show me her 'I've-had-five-kids-and-three-mules-living-in-here' tummy. Yes.She.Did.

I believe this was the moment Sheshe sprinted for the door and I shuffled out behind her. (Cause you know, us pregnant women can't sprint so good. Not to mention, I was dragging my pride behind me.)Mams chose to stay behind and tell the woman her own horror stories of her saggy boobs and large rear end.

The entire drive home was Mams telling me that she too had wondered if I was pregnant while Sheshe hid her tears of laughter behind her oversized Jackie-O sunglasses.

It was a glorious day.

Short on Time but Not on Laughs...

Let me just start out by warning you, Mams is back.

And she is FULL. OF. IT. this time....

Just to give you an example, she was sitting with Dorkfish last night reminiscing when he interrupted her. "Yes, Mams, I know what you mean about how some people are just likable. A lot of people like me. I am a likable guy," he said smugly. Mams, without even pausing to ponder this statement said, "Well, Dorkfish, you sure keep that hidden well."

I love her.

She is and always has been one of those people who can't remember a punch line to save their life, but is never short on the snark. Fortunately, Deuce has inherited her quick wittiness. As exhibited by our shopping trip yesterday.

We were upstairs in a department store and mams was headed for the elevator. The direction she was going was only taking her to a glass railing for the second floor. Deuce and I tried to tell her it was the wrong direction, but at 86 you honestly don't give a damn about other people's opinions. (I am learning this quickly.) Deuce asks me, "Where does Mams think she's going?!" I explained that Mams has her own way of doing things and she would find the elevator eventually. "Let's just hope she finds it before she hits the glass railing, though," I added with a smartass tone. Picking up on my snark immediately, Deuce yells across the store to Mams, "DON'T JUMP MAMS! YOU'VE ONLY GOT ANOTHER THREE OR FOUR MORE GOOD YEARS LEFT!!!"

That's when I peed my pants.

Why You Should NEVER Text Me During A Meeting...

One of my girlfriends and her husband are both out of town on business. In a moment of desperation, she asked me to take care of her kids this evening until her flight gets in at midnight.

Obviously she does not read my blog.

Or anything I put on facebook...

ANYWAY, so we had been joking about how I would have to clean the house for her kids since her daughter seems to prefer a neat and tidy house. (I have boys. We don't do neat and tidy.) So I sent my friend a text:

"Getting the house cleaned for your daughter...*snicker* ;)"

She writes back, "I am in the longest marathon meeting."

Ignoring the cue that she probably doesn't want to continue the conversation, I said, "I know what you mean. The dogs and I had a serious discussion this morning over coffee. It was going well until Flash licked his ass, signaling the meeting was adjourned."

Oddly enough, she hasn't written back.....

Maybe this is why I don't have a job.

Friday Off...

Dorkfish has been on a 4-10's schedule at work for over a year now. This means that instead of cramming 60 hours of work into five days, he now tries to do it in four. So naturally, he has felt compelled to go in on his 'Friday Off' to finish up the stuff he wasn't able to get finished in the 16 hours he worked every day for the last four days.

(Work too much, maybe?!)

Ahem.

Now that the boys are both in school all day, he has decided to start actually taking his 'Friday Off' to "spend time with his lovely wife"...

As I type this, he is vacuuming the house and I am hiding in my office.

You see, Dorkfish has the affinity for cleaning which I do not possess. It has taken almost ten years of marriage for me to finally recognize the piles on the counter that he deems 'clutter'. No, I am not yet bothered by them per se, but I do see them now. Fortunately, I am fully capable of ignoring them.

He seems to think that on his 'Friday Off' he will 'help me clean the house'...

I am sure you are seeing the stand off starting. He's standing at one end of the living room with a vacuum clutched tightly, staring at me as I attempt to stealthy pick up my laptop and sneak out. Our eyes meet. He has that 'cleaning twitch'. Silence falls over the living room. A dog-hair tumbleweed blows between us as the puppies scatter to their beds.

Then I claim to have to pee and lock myself in my office...

Send. Help.

Woof.

Dorkfish and I have had this running battle, argument, standoff about certain 'duties' around the house. I don't mind doing manly chores such as taking out the trash, fixing toilet leaks or mowing the grass. I typically do most of the cooking and I don't argue about cleaning up the mess after. But there are some things that I feel he can handle on his own. These include, but are not limited to, ironing his own clothes and packing his lunch. I typically provide enough dinner so he will have some for lunch the next day and see no reason he can't throw that in a bag himself. I have been chastised by my grandmother for not doing these things, but honestly, this isn't the 60's people. We are (or should be) equals in this house.

So when I spoke to one of his coworkers the other day and found out he had made a smartass comment about packing his own lunch, well, let's say I got creative. Apparently, she asked him what he was doing for lunch and he told her that he had to go to the cafeteria since his lovely wife hadn't packed his and then told her, "It's like having a dog and barking yourself." For those of you who don't speak 'smartass' that means I don't do my job...

Naturally, this makes me realize I need to step up to the plate and provide my lovely husband a lunch meal worthy of his service. He needs nourishment that will carry him through the day and ensure he doesn't tire while toiling away making tricity...



You're welcome, sweetheart.

Cat and All

Few things in life are more entertaining than listening to my grandmother tell a story. She can't tell a joke to save her life as she always forgets the punch line, but when it comes to a true, here's-how-it-all-went-down story...she's the master.

Last week, my neighbor T-racy, My Beesh and I were privy to one of Mam's famous story telling sessions. We had been discussing pets, specifically cats, and Mams chimes in, "Oh, that reminds me. Did I tell you Ethyl died? Well, she did. It was the oddest thing though. She had left behind this old cat she loved to pieces and so the family put the cat to sleep and buried her with it." She pauses, as all good story tellers do to allow that last statement to sink into the mind of the listener. As we all sat in silence and disbelief she continued, "Yep. My friend Betty had warned me before I walked in that the cat was in the casket, but I thought it was a stuffed cat or something. Nope. I walked up to pay my respects and there laid Ethyl, cat and all."

Only my grandmother...

House Dumb

Well, we did it. We all survived track out. My grandmother, Mams, made a guest appearance for a week here and that provided PLENTY of blog material... Honestly, my head is still spinning from some of those stories. But first, last week was Bonus's first week back at school. He is a big second grader; which apparently means he has to dress nicer than those white-trash kids in first grade. He actually expects me to iron his clothes. IRON.HIS.CLOTHES. I don't even iron Dorkfish's clothes (a daily power struggle around here...)



Deuce started last week as well. But he only went on Monday as part of their staggered entry program for kindergartners. Today was the BIG!DAY! for him. He chose his outfit, which included a button up shirt, denim shorts and a pair of green skull and crossbones socks. The hair, you ask? Yes, it was spiked in a faux-hawk. He boarded the school bus with his brother at his side and a spring in his step. One can only pray he returns home with a tiny bit of that left.



I am sure you all are asking the question that every single person has asked me lately... "Amo, what are you going to DO with YOURSELF?!"

Listen people, I lead a very exciting life. Just this morning I was taking a shower and pondering big things such as, "Why does the dog hair pile up at the baseboards and float through the house like tumbleweeds on the prairie?", "Does the roughness of your tongue determine exactly how many licks it would take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" and "Is my left arm cleaner than my right because I always wash it first in the shower?"

Exactly when do you think I have time for a job or anything else to keep my mind occupied and sharp?! Pffft.

So, to celebrate my First Day of Freedom in Seven Years (Freedom Fest for short), I went to the dentist. I know, exciting eh? But to be honest, this is the first time I have been able to go with out planning it around a four-hour, three-day-a-week preschool or bribing a friend to watch them. So, yes, it was kind of exhilarating. Don't worry, the FOUR SHOTS OF NOVOCAINE took care of that moment of pleasure, but didn't damper the Freedom Fest spirits! Apparently, my body metabolizes novocaine rather quickly, so by the time I left there, I was numb up to my eye sockets and have a new appreciation for Tammy Faye Bakker.

(By the way, a mango-strawberry smoothie isn't the best choice for one who's lips won't allow them to use a straw and the cold sensitivity is of light-socket proportions. justsoyouknow)

Determined to not loose all of my day, I went to the bank to make a deposit. Again, the first time without a kid in tow. As I sat down at the desk of the branch manager, I immediately apologized for my lisp and assured her it was because of the novocaine and had absolutely nothing to do with alcohol or my kid's absence. Her jaw dropped, her eyes became huge and she said, "What are you doing driving?!"

*blink, blink*

(This may have been the point where my brain exploded...)

Gaining all my composure and trying to hold back all of my smart ass I said, "Because I don't usually drive with my mouth?..."

So this, my friends, has convinced me that staying at home during the day will in fact NOT make one 'house dumb'.

Now where are those damn bonbons?...