Obviously We Are Paying Good Money

Yesterday, I was sitting at the gazeebo, waiting on Bonus' bus. One of my neighbors, who is also the boys Sunday school teacher, stopped by.

Her: "Oh, did I tell you about Easter Sunday and what Deuce said?"

(This always causes great fear, an overwhelming sense of dread and a teeny bit of nausea...)

Me: (flinching) "Um....no? Do I really want to know, though?"

Her: "Oh, yes! It was adorable!"

She then went on to tell me how every symbol they held up to represent a different part of the Easter story, Deuce knew. She held up a piece of cloth and he told them that it was the linen they used to wrap His body. They held up a nail and when all the other kids yelled, "NAIL!" Deuce went on to explain that they used it to nail His hands and feet to the cross. Apparently, Deuce not only could answer all their questions, but gave lengthy descriptions as well.

I have to admit, I was feeling pretty good about my parenting until she said, "So we asked him where he learned all this and do you know what he said?"

(This is the point in the conversation where the nausea returns...)

Me: "Um....home?" (hoping....)

Her: "No, he said that he learned all this from his preschool. He calls it the Jesus School."



Yeah...oops.

All I Want for Christmas is My...well, you get it.

We have finally hit the tooth-loosing stage in the Davis household and let me say, it's about damn time. Bonus was so proud when the first one came out and he got to experience the magic that is the tooth fairy. Well, until I screwed up and he found it in my drawer the next morning...

While we're on the subject, this 'tooth fairy gifts' crap is something we all need to agree on. Giving your kid $5 or $10 per tooth is really just making the rest of us look like schmucks. I mean, what do you expect the rest of us to say when our kid comes home and asks why the tooth fairy cheated him out of $9? I will just go ahead and tell you that telling your seven year old that the tooth fairy must have needed it for gas and whiskey isn't an acceptable answer. So let's just get on the same page, drop a buck every time and move on. Mkay?

Lately, we have been having some 'dental issues' around here. Specifically, Bonus's front teeth started bucking out when his upper pallet hit a growth spurt. At first, it was kind of funny and he started calling them his beaver teeth. Then the novelty wore off and I found myself coaching him on how to hide them for picture day. I mean, look at those things:



For the record, he wasn't even trying to show them off....

On Easter, Deuce helped him out and kicked one of those bad boys out. Bonus was pretty angry yet I don't think I've ever seen Deuce prouder, "Momma! I knocked out one of Bonus's beaver teeth and he didn't even thank me!" Truthfully, that was the only way it was coming out since the kid wouldn't let us near it.

Sadly, that sigh of relief quickly changed to panic when the remaining beaver tooth went all hillbilly on us:



You can hear the banjo music, can't you?

I begged for an entire week for him to Just. Pull. It. Out. PLEEEEEAAAASE! Nope.

Then, a miracle happened. It was totally one of those awe-inspiring, hearing-angels-sing kinda moments. The dog jumped up and knocked it out. (Best. Dog. EVAH.)

So now we have this:



And as scared as I am to say it, I believe this is a grand improvement.

Now we just have to wait for the obnoxious adult teeth to come in and pray his lips will cover them...

Pat on the back or slap upside the head...you choose.

I have to admit something. I came *this* close to screwing up Easter this year. In my defense, Deuce was off all last week and we went to the beach for two days. When we got home on Saturday, I ran to the store and fought all the other lazy-ass procrastinators for the last two bunnies. Sadly, even the boys noticed their baskets were pretty empty. However, I had succeeded in pulling it off another year and was patting myself on the back until Bonus said, "Hey! Let's go look for eggs!" (Naturally, there were none hidden.) So, Dorkfish ran to the store and bought candy which I stuffed in eggs while hiding in the bathroom. (My original plan of robbing Deuce's birthday pinata, that we forgot to bust at his party, and use that candy was vetoed by Dorkfish... Sheesh.) As soon as I stuffed all the eggs, he made them start cleaning their room while I hid them. Yeah, they were so very thrilled...

This morning, I received an email from a good friend. She had screwed up Easter and was looking to me for support and suggestions. Feeling pretty smug that I had pulled off my own near miss, I emailed back some suggestions. But I believe we all know what happens when you begin patting yourself on the back... (That part is what we like to call 'foreshadowing' boys and girls.)

Twenty minutes later, Bonus goes in my bathroom to brush his hair and finds the tooth he had put under his pillow last night for the tooth fairy. Hearing the drawer open, I began my running-through-sand sprint to the bathroom in hopes I could divert his eyes at the last second.

No. Such. Luck.

"Momma, why did you take my tooth?" Bonus asked with a quivering lip.

"Baby, I didn't take it. I don't know HOW it got in there!" I said in a pitch only a dog could hear.

At that point, I began concocting a story about the dog scaring the tooth fairy and Dorkfish finding the tooth and hiding it in my drawer. A pretty pathetic story, honestly, but it worked! He woke up this morning and found a dog bone under his pillow that the 'tooth fairy had left for Molly'. The tricky part is that he wants to call her and thank her now...sigh.

So I believe the lesson for us all to learn here is two-fold: 1. When a friend asks you for advice, NEVER, and I mean NEVER, congratulate yourself on a job well done. 2. Try not to focus on WHY that friend chose YOU for that specific question...or the irony of the 'karmatic smackdown' you received.

Only. Deuce.

In a rare Amo-moment, I am actually posting twice in one day.

Simply because this is too funny to not post RIGHT. NOW.

A couple weekends ago, some girlfriends and I got together and were discussing what age was it no longer appropriate to allow your male child see you naked. Unanimously, we all decided that the age was best determined by the individual child. Bonus is seven now, but he has never stared or made any comments that would make me feel uncomfortable, so we haven't been overly cautious with him.

And then we have Deuce...

This afternoon, I am laying in the bathtub in hopes it will help my aches and Deuce comes walking in. We are having a conversation about our favorite colors and whether it matters if he chooses to play with the white or blue trucks. At this point, feeling weak enough to circle the drain with the bathwater, I was just agreeing with him.

Suddenly, he looks at my body like he has never noticed it before and says, in all seriousness and with much concern, "Momma! You have a piece of carpet on your penis!"

Only. Deuce.

Sick Day at Davis Ranch...always a laugh a minute.

So I'm sick again.

Naturally.

This time it would appear to be a sinus infection that my body can't quite fight as well as it should thanks to the mono. Before you say anything, I realize that you can't actually 'give' someone a sinus infection, so I am not attributing this one to Dorkfish. Well, not entirely. You see, I did find THIS in the cabinet last night when I thought I was going to DIE unless I got some rest:

Exhibit A:


Yeah, that empty bottle coupled with there only being ONE advil in the jar leads me to believe that this may be my last post...

Ironically, it would appear that Deuce is already preparing for my parting. Today, when I was finally able to lay down and get a short nap in, the phone rang. It was Sheshe. I answered and in a concerned tone she said, "Hey, are you okay?"

Me: "Yes, I'm napping. Why?"

Sheshe: "Well, I have your son here with me..."

Me: "What?! Wait, which one?! Bonus is in school..."

Sheshe: "Yeah, it's the little one. He said that he tried to wake up mommy and she wouldn't wake up. So he came here. He also has a cane because his leg is broken."

So Sheshe brought him home and I laid the guilt on THICK. After she told me that she had explained that he did the right thing by coming to her house, I went with the same line. When he got out of timeout for lying and wandering off, I sent him to his room to clean up.

Me: "Deuce, do you understand why mommy got so upset?"

Deuce: "Yeah, I do. Because I scared you."

Me: "Yes, buddy. You did. Now get your cane and take it back in your room too."

Deuce: "Um, mommy? The broken leg was a lie too..."


It's going to be a long day...

It's My Fault for Getting a Degree in Journalism...

Me: "So, Bonus, how did you do on your spelling test?"

Bonus: "I did great! Got them ALL RIGHT!" *insert cheesy, fake smile*

Me: "Oh, yeah? How do you spell 'four'?"

Bonus: "F-O-W-R."

Me: "Um, no."

Bonus: "F-W-O-R?"

Me: "Um....again, no."

Bonus: "Yeah, I probably missed that one."

Just in Case You Test Positive

Being stuck at home with mono has given me the opportunity to catch up on some things that I have been wanting to get around to for some time now. In one sense, this has been good, as I have been able to accomplish much more from a 'resting state' than one would assume. So I figured that some of you, who I may or may not have infected, would enjoy a list. You're welcome. Oh, and SORRY, in advance if you're sick. I can bring a box of hamburger helper or something...

Things One Can Do With Mono:

~ Finally finish ONE book that your neighborhood book club was reading.

~ Pretend you aren't the turd in the punch bowl when you attend said book club and everyone looks at you like you're Typhoid Mary.

~ Catch up on your blog that you have sorely neglected in the past few weeks months.

~ Finally start editing photos and putting them on your flickr page.

~ Beg your friend to set up your photography website before you die. (This one is still in the works...RIGHT, MY BEESH?!) ahem.

~ Stalk people you used to know on facebook and then decide to not friend them since they made fun of you in high school. (Quite empowering really...)

~ Come to the startling realization that a seven year old can go through a hormonal spike that is worse than ANY teenage girl.

~ Find that you no longer care about your swollen spleen and liver since the wine helps you care less about the screaming seven year old.

~ Realize that your ten-year-old hound dog truly CAN and DOES sleep anywhere and constantly. Ironically, she would do much better with mono than the rest of us.

~ Ponder the great mysteries of life, such as 'Why people "like" their own comments on facebook' and 'Why does my presumed intelligent four year old run, screaming, through the house with a busted soda can spraying everywhere'...