Only. Deuce.

In a rare Amo-moment, I am actually posting twice in one day.

Simply because this is too funny to not post RIGHT. NOW.

A couple weekends ago, some girlfriends and I got together and were discussing what age was it no longer appropriate to allow your male child see you naked. Unanimously, we all decided that the age was best determined by the individual child. Bonus is seven now, but he has never stared or made any comments that would make me feel uncomfortable, so we haven't been overly cautious with him.

And then we have Deuce...

This afternoon, I am laying in the bathtub in hopes it will help my aches and Deuce comes walking in. We are having a conversation about our favorite colors and whether it matters if he chooses to play with the white or blue trucks. At this point, feeling weak enough to circle the drain with the bathwater, I was just agreeing with him.

Suddenly, he looks at my body like he has never noticed it before and says, in all seriousness and with much concern, "Momma! You have a piece of carpet on your penis!"

Only. Deuce.

Sick Day at Davis Ranch...always a laugh a minute.

So I'm sick again.

Naturally.

This time it would appear to be a sinus infection that my body can't quite fight as well as it should thanks to the mono. Before you say anything, I realize that you can't actually 'give' someone a sinus infection, so I am not attributing this one to Dorkfish. Well, not entirely. You see, I did find THIS in the cabinet last night when I thought I was going to DIE unless I got some rest:

Exhibit A:


Yeah, that empty bottle coupled with there only being ONE advil in the jar leads me to believe that this may be my last post...

Ironically, it would appear that Deuce is already preparing for my parting. Today, when I was finally able to lay down and get a short nap in, the phone rang. It was Sheshe. I answered and in a concerned tone she said, "Hey, are you okay?"

Me: "Yes, I'm napping. Why?"

Sheshe: "Well, I have your son here with me..."

Me: "What?! Wait, which one?! Bonus is in school..."

Sheshe: "Yeah, it's the little one. He said that he tried to wake up mommy and she wouldn't wake up. So he came here. He also has a cane because his leg is broken."

So Sheshe brought him home and I laid the guilt on THICK. After she told me that she had explained that he did the right thing by coming to her house, I went with the same line. When he got out of timeout for lying and wandering off, I sent him to his room to clean up.

Me: "Deuce, do you understand why mommy got so upset?"

Deuce: "Yeah, I do. Because I scared you."

Me: "Yes, buddy. You did. Now get your cane and take it back in your room too."

Deuce: "Um, mommy? The broken leg was a lie too..."


It's going to be a long day...

It's My Fault for Getting a Degree in Journalism...

Me: "So, Bonus, how did you do on your spelling test?"

Bonus: "I did great! Got them ALL RIGHT!" *insert cheesy, fake smile*

Me: "Oh, yeah? How do you spell 'four'?"

Bonus: "F-O-W-R."

Me: "Um, no."

Bonus: "F-W-O-R?"

Me: "Um....again, no."

Bonus: "Yeah, I probably missed that one."

Just in Case You Test Positive

Being stuck at home with mono has given me the opportunity to catch up on some things that I have been wanting to get around to for some time now. In one sense, this has been good, as I have been able to accomplish much more from a 'resting state' than one would assume. So I figured that some of you, who I may or may not have infected, would enjoy a list. You're welcome. Oh, and SORRY, in advance if you're sick. I can bring a box of hamburger helper or something...

Things One Can Do With Mono:

~ Finally finish ONE book that your neighborhood book club was reading.

~ Pretend you aren't the turd in the punch bowl when you attend said book club and everyone looks at you like you're Typhoid Mary.

~ Catch up on your blog that you have sorely neglected in the past few weeks months.

~ Finally start editing photos and putting them on your flickr page.

~ Beg your friend to set up your photography website before you die. (This one is still in the works...RIGHT, MY BEESH?!) ahem.

~ Stalk people you used to know on facebook and then decide to not friend them since they made fun of you in high school. (Quite empowering really...)

~ Come to the startling realization that a seven year old can go through a hormonal spike that is worse than ANY teenage girl.

~ Find that you no longer care about your swollen spleen and liver since the wine helps you care less about the screaming seven year old.

~ Realize that your ten-year-old hound dog truly CAN and DOES sleep anywhere and constantly. Ironically, she would do much better with mono than the rest of us.

~ Ponder the great mysteries of life, such as 'Why people "like" their own comments on facebook' and 'Why does my presumed intelligent four year old run, screaming, through the house with a busted soda can spraying everywhere'...

Another Deuce Short

Since it's Friday, I decided to make some peanut butter blossom cookies. (No, Friday has nothing to do with it, but it seems wrong to make cookies for no reason; so there.) Deuce loves helping out in the kitchen, even with his obvious aversion for food, so I was letting him and My Beesh unwrap the kisses.

My Beesh lines up the kisses and asks, "Hey, Deuce, what is this?"




Deuce takes a long, hard look at the design and says, "I dunno."

My Beesh, in an attempt to stir his memory starts pointing to individual kisses and saying, "Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid... Any idea buddy?"

Deuce's face lights up and he yells, "STATES!"

*sigh*

Last night, we took the boys out to get some pizza. I don't believe I've ever mentioned it on here before, but Deuce is quite possibly the PICKIEST eater in. the. world. Despite my begging, pleading, threats and punishments, he won't even try a single bite of any food that he deems 'icky'. The term 'icky' appears to apply to just about any food, lately. Peanut butter is too 'icky' because of the stickiness, noodles are too 'icky' because they squiggle, etc. Cheese, however, is okay as long as he can't see it peeking through the pieces of bread. This is a very important detail in the Life of Deuce. I have now resorted to making grilled cheese sandwiches and ensuring the cheese is pushed in fully between the bread to make certain there is no visual stringiness...

Laugh if you must, but once you find something that works you go with it. To be honest, I'm a bit proud of some of my recent endeavors. For example, I finally found a way to get him to eat cheese sticks! Granted, it involves me 'sandwiching' together individual cheese sticks and cutting them into little 'cheese stick sandwich bites' and hoping he didn't see any of it...

Hush.

But last night, when I served his cheese stick bites, cut into one-inch squares thankyouverymuch, he looked down with disdain and said, "Um, I think I asked for triangles...ugh."

That's the point where your head explodes and you find yourself speaking in tongues, just for those of you out there without kids...

I believe that, through gritted teeth, I explained that this was all he was getting and I didn't give a flying kitten if he ate it or not.

Two minutes later:

Deuce stood up, holding his fork in the air with a 'one-inch square cheese sandwich bite' pierced on the end and exclaimed, "THERE'S SOMETHING GROSS IN MY FOOOOOOD!!!!"

At that point, the entire restaurant came to a hush.

I leaned over to inspect the carnage and there, sticking through the cheese I had so carefully hidden was the offending object. I put my head in my hands and mumbled through my fingers, "Deuce, that is the tine of your fork."

He sat back down and said to the table, "WHEW! It's okay everybody. It was just my fork. You can keep eating."

Go Forth and Read

Guess what? I posted for the THIRD! DAY! IN! A! ROW!

Yes, the sky is falling.

But more importantly, this one ISN'T about mono or Dorkfish trying to kill me.

My dear friend, Jenny, asked me to do a guest post on her blog called Great Little Stories. I was flattered since my stories are neither great nor little...but I guess she ran out of bloggers or something.

So Go! Read! and while you're there, look around a bit and if you're in the mood, give me a little comment love so she doesn't think I completely messed up her blog...

Click HERE to read it.

Thanks guys!
Amo