Look out Erma Bombeck! Here comes Mams...

Last Saturday, I went on my epic journey to bring my grandmother here to visit for a week. She was chomping at the bit to get home by Tuesday. Fortunately, Mother Nature had other plans and dumped five inches of snow and an inch of ice on our little town today. Mams, though not pleased, decided it was in everyone's best interest if we didn't go skidding of the side of a mountain driving back to Tennessee. (It was surprisingly difficult for her to agree to this...)

In my best 'I'm-sorry-to-disappoint-you' tone, I agreed that she should probably stay another week. Not only is she the best baby sitter, she's been cooking, cleaning and ironing and, AND! only drinks one beer at night. (It's the cheap beer at that!) But little does she know, I've been recording some of her best quotes all week just for you.

Let's just say that it's a good thing she can't "call online" in Knoxville...

Mams: "You know, I never worried about Papaw when he was at work. Sure, there were plenty of women who would have taken him in a heartbeat, but I knew he was good."

Me: "Yeah, I never worry about Dorkfish either."

Mams: "You think he's a good boy?"

Me: "Well, yes. I'm pretty sure he's not leaving me."

Mams: "Maybe he just hasn't found the right one yet."

.......

Me: "Mams, are you warm enough at night here?"

Mams: "Well, sure, honey. I have an African in there keeping me warm."

Me: "An African? Don't you mean an afghan?"

Mams: "Well, there's one of those in there too."

.......

Deuce: "Mams, can you fwoat in outer pace?"

Mams: "Well why are you asking me that? I don't fart anywhere. Ladies just don't do that."

.......

"Your friends sure were nice, but I was just out of place. They're all buying cars and things and I'm at an age I don't even put things in lay-away."

......

"I'm sure going to try and see that model train exhibit again next year. Well, if I'm living and there's a parking space."

......

And this was just her first week here....

Bad Math

Yesterday morning, I woke up with the great idea to get my grandmother over here for a week. I haven't seen her since Christmas and she complains DAILY that the boys will grow up and never know her/the neighbors see her boys more than she does/we never call anymore and every time she goes a day without a phone call she just KNOWS it's because something bad happened and I don't want her to know. (Your pick.)

So I called my dad in an attempt to sweet-talk him into meeting me in Asheville so I didn't have to make the seven-hour drive back to Knoxville.

He had to work.

Pfft.

So I told Dorkfish, "I'm just going to drive over there, spend the night and bring her back with me tomorrow. I'll be fine. It's just fourteen hours, round trip, no biggie. I know you're going to worry, but I promise it's not a big deal."

Secretly, I'm practically giddy over the thought of spending that much time in silence.

Before I could assemble my playlist in my head, Dorkfish says, "That's fine. Just take the boys with you."

OH.

NO.

HE.

DIDN'T.

(Ohyeshedid.)

Apparently, his new promotion at "The Harris" from Safety to Performance means that he has a lot of homework to do. I can only assume he's now having to make sure the bag boys no longer put the beer on top of the eggs.

Sigh.

So I loaded the boys up and drove fourteen hours to spend twelve in Knoxville. Twelve. TWELVE.

This means that in a twenty-seven hour period, I spent fourteen in a car with a six year old and a three year old.

This? This is a nomination for sainthood.

The real shock was that I came home to a spotless house, clean sheets, flowers, dinner cooking, candles burning and was told to go take a hot bath and relax. I haven't figured out what he did wrong in those twenty-seven hours, but it might be worth it.

However, my grandmother saying, "I don't know what he did either, but you're going to be paying for this later," made the entire trip worthwhile. Heh.

The Stronger Sex

I am realizing fully why God made women able to put their own illnesses aside to take care of their family. In times of need, we mom's are able to put aside our own aches, pains, sinus infections and annoyance with the fact that the Christmas tree is still standing AND LIT UP, ahem, to make sure that our patients are comfortable and without want. But occasionally, we have to leave a few tasks up to the other parent such as packing the toddler's lunch so he could go play at a neighbor's house while you accompany a friend to the doctor.

I give you the lunch that Dorkfish packed for Deuce:

It's the perfect lunch box for the three-year-old junkie. Hidden under the drugs, is a bag of goldfish, some cheese crackers and a hot dog.

You know, for the munchies.

The House of the Infirmed

Bonus started back to school on Monday. (It was all I could do to not end that sentence with "!!!!1!!!!11!!!!!") Seriously, once you have tasted the beauty that is your child being gone all day to school without you having to pay out the ass for it and thus feeling guilty that you're not being productive...yeah, it's a beautiful thing.

He was sick by Wednesday.

Sigh.

It was Deuce that was the first patient. He was diagnosed with an ear and sinus infection. Great! Antibiotics! Bring. It. On. At least we can fix this! The best part about that kid is that when he's sick, he sleeps like he's been bricked. It's a blessing.     For me.

Bonus came home the next day complaining. Truthfully, 'complaining' isn't strong enough. He was raising ten shades of hell about anything and everything. I took him to the doctor yesterday and he has Strep. STREP! Let's let that sink in for a moment, shall we?

Okay.

So now we've got one who only wants to sleep and another who only wants to scream despite the fact that his throat is bleeding. (According to him.) The sound of me slamming my head in the door is apparently annoying him as well.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I would do anything for them and to make them well. I would take the sinus and ear infections, I'd take every case of strep they'd ever get in order to make them better. But the screaming at me to get them MORE JUICE! and MORE APPLESAUCE! and MORE BEER! (Oh, wait, that might have been me) is enough to make you contemplate driving your car into a bridge abutment. Thank God for Volvo's and their safety ratings...

I guess it could always be worse. My oldest girl, Dorkfish, could be sick as well. But if he so much as sniffles, I swear I'm leaving. I hear there's an island somewhere with my name on it.

Catch Up!

I completely realize how horribly I've neglected you wonderful followers and for that I'm terribly sorry.

In fact, I love you so much I refuse to recap each and every day with an enormously long post about my whereabouts. Instead, I'll give you the quick and dirty... (But it will still be enormously long simply because it's been too damn long.)

~ Thanksgiving was a good time; the whiskey helped.

Although, I probably should have admitted to my cousin that it wasn't really the dog under the table licking her foot, but rather my three year old, Deuce. (Sorry, Mel! We're putting that 'college fund money' you gave him toward his therapy instead.)

~ Dorkfish managed to talk me into loading the car with both kids and the dog and driving ten hours to Crystal River, Florida. (I blame the tryptophan-induced coma for that lapse in judgment.) That place is like the land of rednecks and retirees; nothing but big wheels and Buicks as far as the eye could see. Which was oddly like my last trip to Wal-Mart; terrifying and fascinating at the same time. Ironically, my car was the victim of a hit and run in a parking lot...just like that Wal-Mart trip.

~ They serve you a bottle of beer in a paper bag AT A RESTAURANT in Crystal River, Florida. (This was preposterous enough that it deserved it's own point.)

~ I turned 30 on December 11th. That was, um, cool... Ahem. MOVING ON.

~ Bonus turned six on December 12th. That brought back fond memories of Dorkfish saying, "Buck Up!" during child birth. The way I see it, me not shanking him right there is a perpetual birthday gift to my son. You're welcome, Bonus, happy birthday.

~ For Bonus' birthday, he wanted to go on an air boat ride. Fortunately, being in the land of rednecks, there was an abundance. Naturally, we went with WILD BILL'S because they sounded experienced. We had the pleasure of flying through the bogs under the careful steerage of "Captain Duke" who had alligator claws on each of his zipper pulls. Nothing says classy like alligator toes, my friends. Nothing.

~ Christmas was pretty eventful as well. Santa brought Bonus a guitar and Deuce a keyboard. Not only are both of my children completely tone deaf, but Santa is getting special cookies next year...

~ We drove up to Northern Ohio to visit the in-laws the day after Christmas. My brother-in-law has taken to raising chickens and there was a rooster running around the living room when we arrived. There's really nothing I can add to that to explain the awesomeness of this experience... But let me say this, THERE WAS A ROOSTER. IN. THE. LIVING. ROOM. (Exhibit A on why I love my in-laws.)

~ We spent New Year's in Knoxville. Dorkfish forgot to kiss me at midnight and will be hearing about it until next year...or until I find someone else to. Heh.

~ Speaking of Dorkfish, he turned 41 on January 7th. (Please note the drastic age difference and remind him of his great fortune every chance you get...) *snicker*

~ Now it is January 13th and we still have our tree up, lights-twinkling. At this point, I'm refusing to dismantle it due to my tree-allergy and propensity to loathe anything Christmas related after December 26th. However, I am going to greatly enjoy the chagrin of all my neighbors as it sits by the street for another few weeks until the leaf collectors come again. Merry Christmas from the Davis Family!

~ Bonus has started back into kindergarten and that is more levels of awesome than mere words can explain. Honestly, it deserves a toast. Which I am going to go do now as he trudges through yet another ridiculous homework assignment involving me calling out words and him spelling them. Hope the slurring doesn't affect him....heh.

But I promise I'll be back much sooner than my track history would portray!

Maybe....