Lessons Learned in Yankee Country

After Christmas, we ventured above the Mason-Dixon line to visit the in laws. Over the past nine years, I have assimilated into their culture quite well. I have managed to lessen my 'southern drawl' and find urgency in every event. However, I have come to terms with the fact that I will never acclimate to their winters. And that is fine.

This trip was quite a shocker. The day we arrived, it was 60 degrees! I, being the thoughtful southern girl I am, had packed only puffy coats and wool socks. Poor planning, yes, but if you had said it would actually be WARM, I would have laughed at you. The coldest I have ever been was in Ohio.

Two days later...it was snowing. Yes, my friends, we woke to 4 inches of snow and a damn blizzard. (Okay, it was a blizzard by southern standards and a 'light dusting' according to the buckeyes.) Fortunately, I was prepared with my puffy coat and wool socks, but had somehow misplaced my long underwear in the move. Grrrr. (Again, damn movers.) I threw on every article of clothing I had packed plus my brother-in-law's flannel-lined pants and hit the snow. My little southern boys, whom we chose to call 'Bonitta' and 'Spurceann' the entire day, chose to ride in the heated golf cart rather than on the sled with their mother who had something to prove.

After all, one can only bitch about their nose freezing off for so long before someone calls you a 'big girl'. So I pulled up my big girl panties and hit the toboggan. (Which, by the way, is a HAT not a SLED. But this is apparently an argument for another day. -not to mention they definitely had the upper hand in the discussion since the damn sled actually said 'toboggan' on it.)

So, I hopped on the sled and hit the snow. And yes, we were being pulled by golf cart before you even ask. I will leave the rest to your imagination. But, the part no one mentioned is that while riding the 'toboggan' your cheeks will hang off the sides and freeze solid. (I refuse to consider that it might have just been my wide load that hangs off.) Never the less, it was numb and I was bitching while my little girlie boys were peering from the back window of the cart so toasty they had to remove their coats.

Jerks.

Five valuable lessons that I learned from this experience:

1. Never leave the warmth of the south without long underwear and a t-shirt.
2. When your ass cheeks freeze while riding a SLED, do not mention it as it will only draw attention to the size of your behind.
3. A frozen behind should not be placed directly in a 102 degree hot tub before thawing.
4. Do not try to carry on a conversation with a stranger in a waiting room. The assume you're nuts.
5. Do not thank said stranger for 'warming the seat for you' in the waiting room. They will still consider you nuts and do not care to hear your story about being from the south and how cold it is up here.