Deuce's Mother's Day Gift Guide

Deuce and I are out front watering plants this morning when I informed him that tomorrow is Mother's Day.

Looking up at me with a concerned look he says, "Oh, really?! Dang, we need to get you something then."

Patting him on the head I say, "Yes, sweetie. You better get something good too," and keep watering the plants.



Obviously putting some hard thinking into this, he says, "But not a boob cup."







Puzzled, I look down and him, shut the hose off and say, "Dude. What in the world is a boob cup?!"

Straight-faced and dead serious, Deuce looks up at me and says, "When we were in Florida, Bonus and I found a coffee cup with boobs on it. He said it was a joke but I don't think you would like a boob cup."

Boob cups. The gift that keeps on giving, apparently.

But, no, they are not funny.

Role Play

Lately, Dorkfish has been working more than he has in the twelve years I have known him. While I will admit that it has been tough on everyone involved, as adults, we all realize when situations are beyond our control and we find ways to make this new situation a part of our lives. We adapt. Lately, I am finding that children are resilient as well and seem to find ways of creating their own normalcy in situations.

The boys have taken on a whole new role in my life. They cuddle me more than they ever did in the past. They insist on taking me out when I don't feel like cooking.

We walked to Waffle House for breakfast. Surprisingly, we survived the walk home as well...

 Lately, they have even taken on the role of entertainers...

A good coffee table MUST be able to be danced upon.

My tiny dancer here was blasting "I'm Sexy and I Know It" on the iSimple. (Which if you haven't seen the video, you must. I think I just peed a little.) After shooting this picture, I hopped up on the table and started dancing with him. About ten seconds into it, Deuce turns to me and says, "Mom, this isn't the 'I like big butts' song, so you can cut that out."

So apparently they are taking on the role of critics quite nicely...

Apparently, I don't need alcohol to drunk text.

I have always been one of those people who makes spur-of-the-moment decisions. (I am sure this has nothing to do with my ADD tendencies...) So last week, I walked into the hairdresser for a 'trim' and left with a bob cut. It took me twenty minutes to convince her that I really, really, really DID  want all my hair cut off. But once she did it, we both loved it.

Proud of my new cut and pink highlights, I sent this text to mycowherdingcousinRachael. Unbeknownst to me, I still had her old number in my phone...

No, that is NOT mycowherdingcousinRachael; but a complete stranger. A stranger with a good sense of humor. Oh, and don't ask about the squinty eye; apparently, I suck at self-portraits. But how funny is Fedora Dude?! Did anyone but me notice the picture in the back ground looks JUSTLIKEHIM?!

After a response like that one, I had to write him back:

I believe this just goes to show that I shouldn't be allowed to text anyone. Ever.

You Know They Are Sick When...

When you go to check your child's temperature and jokingly say, "Alright, buddy, bend over," and they lean over and respond, "Ooooookayyyyy. Do the best you can..."

Yes, I snorted.

But THAT is a sick kid...

Bad Drivers, Christian Sushi and Drunk College Girls or Florida Trip: Day One

We finally made it to Florida! Apparently, the pan handle of Florida is one of those youcan'tgettherefromhere kinda places when you live near Raleigh. Who knew?! I will save you from the what-is-wrong-with-everysingleother-driver-except-me stories. But I will tell you that every driver that tried to get me to giftwrap their car with the bowtie on the front of mine, was a BMW. Not that I have anything against them, but let's just say that the old joke holds true...
"What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?"

"On a BMW, the pricks are on the inside."

(Sorry, Sheshe.)

As with any road trip with young children, there were a lot of questions: 'How much longer?!', 'Are we in Florida YET?!', 'When we get there, can we go to the beach FIRSTTHING?!' Most of these were answered with my traditional response, "Three days." No, it doesn't answer thier questions, but it confuses them long enough that they forget they asked.

Apparently, this is spring break as well. Since we are on a year-round schedule and the boys are out for three weeks, I no longer pay attention to minor details such as this. I guess when the beach house owner told me there was an extra $700 damage deposit due for this week, I should have picked up on something amiss. But don't worry, we figured it out awfully quickly. As we were unloading the Tahoe, Deuce came running in the house with a shocked look on his face and said, "Momma, there is a baaaaad mommy out there!" I walked outside just in time to see her loading a case of Keystone Light into the back of her Jeep and head toward the pool. Her children, who may be old enough to drink, met her in the middle of the street and she yelled, "If y'all don't get your asses outta da road, Imma gonna run you over. I'm bringin' ya the beer up to the pool!" I patted Deuce on the head and said, "Hey she isn't making them walk all the way back here for their beer, at least."

The part of Destin where we are staying, is not only convenient to almost every shop, grocery store and restaurant you could think of, but it is also the busiest. I could honestly walk to the store quicker than I could drive. (But refuse to since you then end up buying more crap than you can carry home and find yourself contemplating asking a homeless guy for help in exchange for a beer.) So we drove. As soon as we pulled in, I saw this sign:

I turned to Beesh and said, "Hey! Look! We will have to try out that sushi place tomorrow!" To which he responded, "Um, that's a Christian bookstore..." *sigh*

Honestly, the best part of the drive was when we were driving beside the bay and could see Destin across the water. I pointed to the shore and said, "Look boys! We are finally near Destin!"

Deuce: "Are we in a foreign country?..."

Bonus: "Of course we are. We're in Pennslyvania."

I have no clue, so don't even ask. Let's just say that between statements like these and the young, drunk, college girls running around in bikinis, this trip is going to be very entertaining...

He Comes By It Naturally

So far, the only perk I have found to being forced to cleaning out my closets is that it's like getting a whole new wardrobe! Thanks to my new eating clean plan and working out routine, many of these garments no longer fit. A lot of the clothes that I still liked and thought I have a hopeinhell of fitting back into, I put into a bin to 'try on when I felt thin enough'... Probably not my best move.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty good. My stomach didn't have that what-are-you-naming-the-baby look to it, so I dove into the bin in hopes of finding some gems for my Florida trip. The first dress I tried on zipped up quite nicely, but just didn't look awesome. I went into the living room, where I have a full-length mirror, to give it a good looking over.

The boys, vegged out on the couch playing Wii, paused their game long enough to critique my newly-found treasure. Mind you, I did not ask for their input...

Bonus: "Mom! That dress makes you look so pretty!"

Me: "Clothes don't make someone pretty, sweetheart, but thank you for the compliment."

Deuce: "I'm not so sure about it. The back is kinda funny in a poochy-sorta way."

The kid was 100% correct. This was exactly what was wrong with the dress. So into the donate bin it went.

Six-thousand pairs of tight jeans later, I found a hot-pink swim suit. Feeling pretty confident about fitting into this bad boy, I slipped it on. It not only fit; it fit perfectly! No tugging at the butt, no readjustment of the top with every movement. It was just right. Just to make sure, I went back in front of the full-length mirror.

Not to be outdone by his brother again in the help-mom-critique-clothes game, Bonus pipes up, "Mom! That one would be perfect if you got rid of some of that junk out of your trunk!"

Me: GLARE

Bonus: "Um....I love you?"

*sigh*

Note to self: Only try on clothes when they are far, far away.

All This for a little Cough...

During Thanksgiving break, we always go to Knoxville to spend it with my family. This past year, the holiday seemed to bring more sickness with it than usual. Bonus, especially, was pretty deep in the throes of a nasty sinus infection. Once we returned to North Carolina, I took him in to the doctor as he just wasn't getting better. Upon examination, the nurse practitioner declared he had asthma gave him a breathing treatment. In total shock, since no one in our immediate family has asthma, I began asking 1,642 questions allatonce. The NP patted my shoulder, as she was pushing me out the door with an inhaler and a 'Welcome to Asthma' booklet, "Listen, we don't have time to go over all this today, but when I see him back in three days I will answer every question."

That? Is not good enough for me.

So, I called the local allergy and asthma specialist who agreed to see him the next morning. This man? Is my hero. For weeks, he would email me daily to inquire on Bonus's daily condition. After months of trips and tests, Bonus has been declared as NOT having asthma. He does, however, have a severe dust mite allergy and has been on Zyrtec and Nasonex daily since January. I have also hired the cleaning fairies to give his room a good scrubbing weekly to knock down the allergens.

I tell you all this to explain this picture:

You see, when we decided that ripping the carpets out and putting down hardwoods was best for Bonus, we decided to do it while we were out of town for a wedding. My job was simply to empty the four bedroom closets, which may or may not have still had boxes in them from our move three years ago... (Said boxes may or may not have contained clothing that only my tiny, gymnast friend Sheshe can wear and also a few maternity outfits.)

Being the skilled procrastinator that I am, I started on my closets Saturday. I will proudly admit that these three huge bags of clothes and big box of shoes is off to be donated! (I may or may not have kept the leather pants and the suede pants, you know, justincase I ever wear an 8 again...)

So today, when they dropped the wood, the Hispanic gentleman explained in broken English that they would return on Wednesday to rip up the carpets....

WEDNESDAY.

We aren't leaving until Friday.

And I have A LOT of BIG, HEAVY, CRAP-LADEN FURNITURE!

And no where to sleep.

And I have to pack.

And make another 3,000 of these:

I have 16 finished.

I may cry.

And I may be using this blog to procrastinate.

I will return...oneday. *sigh*